Chapter 14 - Hallelujah!
His religious radio and TV shows (now carried on 13,862 stations thoughout the world) have brought salvation, happpiness and poverty to millions. Put not your faith in doctors, hospitals, vitamins or other foolish pasttimes. Send all your worldly goods to him. Yea and verily, happiness, good health, joy and blondes will be yours. And, if not now, they will be in the hereafter. None of your hard-earned funds will be wasted on such frivolities as missionaries or medical care. All will be devoted to the care and well being of Bob and Stanley. No higher use can be found. Cash, checks, money orders, jewelry, gold teeth, stocks and bonds are all welcome.
A suitable-for-framing thank you letter (on genuine fanfold computer paper) will be sent to you along with a blessing. A custom frame is available for only $750. Visa and Master Card accepted. If you send $10,000 or more, you will also receive a package containing the secrets of Bob's revelations (Thunderbird, Prestone and Sterno shaken - not stirred) and a summary of his investigations into the compound effect Beavis and Butthead have had on American Civilization.
This alone will protect you and your loved ones from flood, famine, loose teeth and falling hair. You also receive the absolute right to relieve yourself in the corridors of any shopping mall in America. All donations are fully tax deductible as the Church of Bob is a tax exempt organization under section 50134(C)(2)(vii)(25.34198) of the tax code of the Republic of Uzbekistan.
Should you send $15,000 or more, you may pick one of the following items, recently developed by Bob:
- Stress Enhancement Tapes:
- Don't lull yourself to complacent slumber with sounds of ocean waves & forest breezes; pop in these jarring cassettes and keep your edge! Feel your skin crawl as the sound of braking trolley cars, multi- vehicle highway accidents, and low-flying jets assaults your ears on the Urban Rhythms tape. Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature! Forty-seven tapes in all; listen to a short sample by clicking on the speaker. Supplies are limited.
- The Enchanted Chalkboard:
- Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, Peruvian master of the Musical Chalkboard, as his talented fingernails scratch out your favorite tunes on this four album collection. Every hair on your body will stand on end during his half-hour scraped rendition of Moon River. Be moved to tears by his masterful two-handed interpretation of Peter and the Wolf, which you can hear right now by clicking on the speaker. Perfect for the office!
- How many times has this happened to you: you just gorged yourself on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're now out of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record your hourly flossing activity in the Spreadsheet Module to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms. FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution Center. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space, an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows Vista.
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