Chapter 11 - Have a Little Taste ...

A Master Chef, his triumphant fried monkey brains in pickled kumquat sauce won the gold medal at the Paris World's Fair in 1937. He repeated this at the New York World's Fair of 1964 with the unforgettable scorpion/maggot casserole with hot fudge sauce. He has made extraordinary seven course meals using only a toaster oven and an ice pick. For those who prefer more standard fair, he cooks a mean, lean cheeseburger.


His twelve-star restaurant, Chez Ptomaine, in the South Shetland Islands, serves only the finest of regional delicacies such as pelican in whale blubber sauce and imported hippo Hippo in whale/pelican sauce. A complimentary bottle of Chateaux d'Ex-Lax is provided to each diner. Prix Fixe at $400 for lunch, $600 for dinner (with two bottles).

Some wonderful dishes to be found on menus: lice or bread, salad bowels, lamp with bees, crumb chops and of course mice meat pies. For the truly adventurous, there are buttered saucepans or fried hormones. For the calorie conscious, there are "died foods."

wine Chateaux Lafitte/Margeaux/Haut Brion/Miller His signature wine, Chateaux Lafitte/Margeaux/Haut Brion/Miller (the only wine made from fermented Hi-C fruit punch and Kool-Aid) has been awarded the Pepto-Bismal Gold Medal of Excellence for the last 11 years. His Chateaux d'Ex-Lax (made from only the finest fermented rotted prunes) bears the endorsement of the American Proctology Society. Tours of his vineyard in Tierra del Fuego may be arranged by special request. A generous one-gallon sample of each wine is poured into each visitor.

His self-peeling banana has proven to always be a popular dish at the world's finest dining spots.

His discovery that consumers could not tell the difference has enabled the major producers of dry cereal to substitute used kitty litter for the much more expensive bran they used to use.

As a special service for readers of this autobiography, Bob has generously included one of his favorite recipes. Though it is titled "Christmas Cake," it is suitable for any festive occasion:

1 cup of butter 4 large eggs
1 teaspoon of baking powder 1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup of nuts 1 cup of flour
1 cup of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt
lemon juice 1 bottle of whisky

  1. Sample the whisky to check for quality.
  2. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
  3. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
  4. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.
  5. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  6. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Check the whisky again for tonsisticity.
  7. Next, sift to sups of colt, or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.
  8. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  9. Add one babblespoon of brown sugar or whatever colour you can find.
  10. Mix well. Grease the oven. Turn the cake-pan to 350 degrees.
  11. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

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